4th of July

Lately I have been listening to this song by Shooter Jennings* called "4th of July"**. There is a line in the chorus that I really liked, "You were as pretty as can be, sittin' in the front seat, Lookin' at me. tellin' me you love me and you're happy to be with me on the 4th of July." I thought is was a great line in a song about traveling across the country and having a good time together. While my iPod says I have only listened to it 22 times it feels like I have listened to it more. Anyway, I really like this song.

So yesterday I was trying to figure out one of the words in the song so I looked up the lyrics and boy was I surprised. Here is the first verse of the song:

Alone with the morning burning red on the canvas in my head
Painting a picture of you
And me driving across country, in a dusty old RV
Just the road and its majesty
And I'm looking at you with the world in the rear view

So it turns out that this song is about a guy driving across the country alone using his imagination to remember a beautiful woman he used to know and love. I know Barney would be proud. It was funny but I think I started to like the song even more. This reminded me of so many trips to Utah, "just the road and its majesty," and remembering some of the good times with the fabulous women I have loved and yet they are not here and I am alone. I think I might try to make this the ring tone on my phone...

*Warning, this site contains ASCII character based graphics that only an old nerd would love and a bunch of people acting like hippies. Enter at your own risk!

**Warning, this video contains a bunch of young people acting like hippies. Watch at your own risk!

Older and Younger II

When I was 14 years old I loved football. My Dad has great football stories that we used to love to listen to. I wanted to be like my Dad so I went out for football when I was in 10th grade. I did not know nearly as much as the other kids but I stumbled through it. I did have a great time playing even though I spent most of the time on the bench. I remember a coach telling me I had to be dedicated so I gave up my family vacation next year so I could make it to our practices. After another year spent on the bench I decided football was not really worth it.

I watched Dad's spend way too much time trying to get their kids starting spots. I watched the coaches make very bad decisions and so I walked away. There have been times that I regretted the decision but there have been so many times that I have been glad that I chose to live my life the way I wanted to live it.

And so I thought I would go for the rest of my life. But now my son is starting to talk about football. His friends talk about football. He has a favorite team. We have started to watch football at home. It is strange for me but I am really enjoying watching football with my son. It is not for me, it is for him. I almost feel like I am back playing with my friends again. I feel so much younger when we play now. It is a strange feeling. I am older and I am younger at the same time.

I am so very grateful for my kids. I have been experiencing life again with both of my kids and I think I like it the second and third times around. Life is good.

Seeing As I Am Seen

Slow and steady wins the race
Slow and steady and maintain the pace
Slow and steady, follow the trace
Slow and steady and trust to Grace

So many great women in my life
From the beginning ‘til now
So many great women I have seen
From the beginning I don’t know how

Tonya Carol shook my world
Changed my heart, opened my eyes
Filled my mind, reminded me of Grace
Of the me before you there is no trace

Dana Marie, to me she was so sweet
The first one after great pain is such a pleasure, such a treat
My first kiss with her and I could not feel my feet
Dana Marie, oh she is so sweet

Deborah Anne picked me up
And crushed me to dust
Deborah Anne picked me up
And smashed me to bits
Deborah Anne broke my heart so many ways
But keep going I must
Deborah Anne broke my heart so many ways
But I continue to trust

My head has been turned around
So many times now
I almost do not trust what I see
I do not understand what I hear
I wonder where I should be
I am escaping my deepest fears
As my heart turns to rust
And I cry oh so many tears

Beauty and grace are here and gone
Fear and doubt dance around my head
Pain and anger come when I least expect
Failure and Success are one and the same
Pleasure occasionally comes
Pain lingers on, oh the pains
And numb comes and goes
But through it all hope remains

I still wonder where you are
I wonder what you sing
I wonder where you are
And what you will bring

I hope I will see you and know your face
I hope you will see me and know my face
I hope we will see eye to eye and
Grow from grace to grace

I am getting better and I am getting worse
The more I see the less I know
I wish you were here, I wish we were one
The more I see the more I grow
How many times can I break
How many times can I fall
I try to run fast but I wind down slow
The more I see, the less I know

Older and Younger

Sometimes I feel older and sometimes I feel younger. The other day I took my daughter to see Evanescence here at WaMu Theater which is at Qwest Field. Larisa was very excited. We had been listening to "Fallen" for the last three years or so and still liked it. She had been saving up her money and working odd jobs for a while so she could go. She took every opportunity she had to talk with me about the concert and about how excited she was that they were coming. I am a softie so we took what she had saved and went to the concert.

I had not been to a General Admission concert for a while and was a bit concerned. I remember a few vicious mosh pits from my more adventurous days and was working out a strategy to make sure Larisa could get close but I could keep her safe. It was a bit nerve racking to say the least. We were waiting in line to get in with a several drunk parents "escorting" their kids to the concert. This did provide some entertainment as I listened to Jane who was 44 years old introduce herself to us at least four times and tell us about all the issues she was having with her 15 year old daughter. I was glad I did not need any liquid courage to come and wondered if Jane would have any memories of this night at all.

We also saw Tanner, a friend of our cousins there. He had outlined his eyes in black and drawn some black tears streaming down from both eyes. I thought it was interesting to share something of our feelings through eye liner tears. I suppose we each find our own ways to express what is going on inside of us.

Once we got into the concert we found a spot close to the stage and started to talk about the concert. We did not know much about the bands opening up but they were probably loud and hopefully interesting. I was scouting out the different people to see who was going to be trouble once the music started. I was surprised to see so many groups of people like my daughter and myself there, a parent and a child trying to bond a bit as they enjoyed the concert. As the concert got closer Larisa went out to spend her money on t-shirts and trinkets so I was sitting down trying to take up enough room to "save our space". I did not think this would be too hard until a forty something year old women and her daughter came up and walked over me and started to try and get in front of me. I touched the lady's leg to remind her that I was there and that she should not take the space I was saving. She started to yell at me saying she would sue me and threatening to call security. So ignored her and let her realize how stupid she sounded. This was not what I was originally worried about in the mosh pit. Things do change I suppose. No big drunk guys slamming into everything in their path, it was drunk old mothers scared of being taken advantage of, not really wanting to be there but wanting to do something special for their kids. I was not prepared for this. Fortunately she wound down and moved away.

Then the first act, Julien-K, came out and started to jump around and make some noise. Larisa really enjoyed them. It was a bunch of young guys taking off their shirts and singing songs about their rock and roll life style. I was wishing they would put some more clothes back on but Larisa was really liking it. I was not ready for that either.

The next act was the Sick Puppies. I was not sure what to expect when this skinny kid with a cute girl wearing a school uniform type of a skirt started pounding out the music. I thought they sounded good but that they were trying too hard to sound tough. They had pictures flashing from human anatomy textbooks with skeletons and muscles and stuff. Maybe they will grow up to be rock star doctors or something. We can hope. I did like their music. When the bass would pump I could feel it in my chest. When I was younger it was really cool to feel it punding into my chest. Now I was hoping my asthma was not kicking in or that I was not having a heart attack. I did survive though.

Through it all the mosh pit never really got going. It felt more like a school field trip with funny clothes and really loud music than a big nasty concert with lots of drunk people smashing each other and everything else up. I looked over at a "Dad" standing next to me looking a bit bored while his "Daughter" seemed to be getting into it. I mentioned something to him about "doing the Dad thing" and he laughed back at me. The next time I looked back they were hugging and snuggling. Oops. I guess he was doing the dutiful husband thing, not the dad thing.

We had a lot of time before Evanescence came out so we just hung out. There were lots of little girls around me who were having a hard time seeing what was going on through all the tall people so I opened up a channel for them to see the stage. We had a lady in wheel chair up in the front who was not going to move out for security or anyone else. Did I mention that this was the strangest mosh pit I have ever been in? I even had a little tiny Japanese girl pull on the back of my shirt and ask very nicely if I could move over a little bit so she could see. I did not see any of the fearsome drunk hooligans I was worried about. There was another little girl about Larisa's age who wrote letters to Amy Lee and Amy Lee wrote back. She took out her inhaler and took a puff to make sure she would not pass out from the excitement. She chatted with Larisa for a little while before continuing her quest to get to the front of crowd to see her pen pal/idol.

Once Amy Lee took the stage with Evanescence everyone paid rapt attention. It was a good show but I do not think that Amy Lee will ever again have the voice she had when she recorded Fallen. Larisa was very happy though. They played a bunch of songs we knew and we sung along with the whole crowd. I thought Amy was surprised at the number of folks there to see her and the band perform. She said she was glad we were still with her. Yet again I was taken by surprise. Heavy Metal just does not seem like the same thing it did when I was younger. Larisa was pleased that Amy was wearing a pair of boots just like the pair she had picked up from Value Village a year or so ago.

As we were leaving Larisa asked me if I liked the concert. I responded by asking her if she liked it. She told me that she loved it and that it was one of the best things she had ever experienced in her life. Then I told her that I had fun because she had fun. I felt older and younger at the same time. I enjoyed Larisa being so excited and having so much fun even though I did not really find it so fabulous myself. It is good to have kids. They can extend our understanding and help us to see things we had forgotten or are too old to enjoy. Life is certainly an adventure.